Passing Events

One pretty serious aspect of my Social Anxiety is avoidance. Even when I'd like to attend certain events, I find myself unable to push myself to do so. Tonight I have decided not to go to a party with some of my friends. It seems like it would be a great chance to get to know someone new, but I can't seem to bring myself to want to go. I think it has more to do with past patterns than my current anxiety. It seems that I'll be staying in tonight and relaxing. I was considering going to see a band with one of my friends, but he's going with someone from one of his classes, so I don't want to risk having a bad time with someone I don't know.

I've been taking Celexa for 3 days now, and have not had any negative side effects. It seems to me that if I haven't developed them at this point, they may not be coming. I'm hoping for the best. The past few days I seem to have felt pretty good. I'm not sure that this would be an effect of the medicine definitely, or it could be due to the relief that I've been feeling after talking to a psychiatrist. I think that was one of the best moments in my life. At that moment I was truly proud of myself. I was proud of myself for accepting my weakness, and making a decision to get help. I think there is weakness in those who refuse to seek help for problems that they alone can't handle. In that moment I also knew that I had made the first step to overcome my anxiety.

I registered at the counseling center of my university, and recieved a call back from my assigned counselor...It turned out that it was a student-counselor. I called and requested to not have a student counselor. I want a therapist that is well knowledgeable, and experienced. They agreed to my request, though they seemed somewhat annoyed by it. I understand that the students need practice...but I don't want to be their experiment. My life means a lot to me, and I would like to deal with my problems in the most effective way possible. I hope to get a call back from them soon, so I can begin cognitive behavioral therapy. I really want to change the way I think so that I can avoid my anxiety causing thoughts, and live a worry free life.

Past Ideas

In order to best document the true reality of social anxiety, I'd like to share a collection of my feelings and thoughts prior to seeking help. These were all included in a 4 page document which I typed up in list format in order to ensure that I would be able to fully communicate the gravity of my problem. It isn't grammatically correct, and I did not intend it to be. I simply needed this document to communicate my thoughts. I would definitely recommend that anyone else suffering from any sort of anxiety disorder do the same. Sometimes it's very hard to organize thoughts when one is put on the spot, or when you're slightly anxious as I was during my consultation.

-I've always been told that I was shy

Recently (past ~2 years) I've been feeling that it is more than that, and that there may be a medical explanation

I realize that my fears and thoughts aren't reasonable, but can't cope with my fears

I believe that I may be suffering from generalized anxiety disorder or social anxiety disorder

-I am constantly aware of how i may appear to others around me

I avoid situations which I feel may bring about feelings of extreme anxiety

I often have anxiety about experiencing another anxiety attack

-I often lie awake wondering about the safety of my family

I wonder if I will ever see them again

I fear that something horrible will happen to someone I am close to

This gives me a lot of trouble when trying to fall asleep

-I often spend the entire week worrying about classes

I fear that I may be put on the spot and have to answer a question

I fear that I may have to speak in front of the class or present

I struggle to comment or ask questions in classes, and usually opt to ignore any questions I may have

-For most of my life I’ve tried to avoid anxiety by staying out of the spot light, i feel this has hurt me significantly, and forced me to try to live my life purposely in the shadow of others

-I can remember these problems from when I was younger also

-I constantly feel restless, nervous, and self concious

The self conscious feeling persists in my daily life, every second of every day

I feel that I am consciously weighing options, considering choices, and trying to make the decision that I should

I fear that others may think low of me

I fear that others are constantly judging me and being critical of me

-I often forget what I am thinking or talking about because of my anxiety, it takes over my thoughts

-When I have panic attacks my anxiety becomes so severe that my heart pounds, I become nauseous, I sweat, struggle to breathe, cannot think, and struggle to calm myself down again.

I have the most anxiety in new situations I am unfamiliar with, especially when things that would normally cause anxiety are sprung on me as a surprise

I struggle with first introductions, and often try to escape them, hindering my ability to meet new people

-I feel that these issues are interfering with my daily life, and ability to experience a positive relationship with the world around me

I feel that these issues are ruining my chance to make a lasting impact on the world, something that I very strongly aspire to achieve

I feel that I am an exceptional individual in many ways, and am capable of many things that others are not. I feel that my anxiety is preventing me from achieving my true potential.

I feel that I am choosing to avoid experiences in order to avoid anxiety

-I will often choose to avoid potential social situations which may make me uneasy

I stick to a small group of friends and avoid branching out due to my anxiety

I find myself avoiding friends which I haven't seen for a while because I'm anxious about getting trapped in a social situation with them

-I had a hard time with engineering success week, i felt disconnected and alone

Both this and last year

-I really worry about silence in conversations; therefore I often over-talk or talk about things that dont matter in order to fill space.

Sometimes I find my anxiety causing me to speak very fast

-I used to purposely avoid the spotlight when playing sports

I used to avoid getting put in in football

- I struggle to hold eye contact sometimes, and feel uncomfortable when another person is directly engaging me

I was always expected to adhere to unrealistic standards

I would purposely avoid the spotlight in sports because I couldn’t handle the fact that I may be embarrassed or under-perform.

I also remember a lot of anxiety dealing with baseball

-Sometimes I feel that I may also be depressed.

I have stopped participating in activities that I have really enjoyed previously (Skateboarding, Percussion) though these are probably related to anxiety in situations dealing with them

I purposely avoid social interaction

I have trouble falling asleep

I usually feel agitated and restless

-I always chose non competitive sports in gym to avoid being put on the spot

-I grind my teeth in my sleep, possible relation to anxiety?

-I wasn't severely bullied in school, but do remember getting picked on sometimes

Everyone has always asked me why I don’t talk or am quiet, which makes me anxious, and feel out of place

I've always struggled to connect with others

I can remember being at mutual social events with my friends, and struggling to talk to people the way that they could

I feel like I'm constantly thinking through my life, instead of living it

-I find myself taking my discomfort out on my friends and those around me

I feel that I am short with them because of how certain situations may be making me feel

-I've been considering and trying to come in to get help with my anxiety problems for over 2 years

I keep pushing it off because I'm anxious about confronting my problems

I feel by avoiding it I'm just further hurting myself

-I've struggled with anxiety at work when forced to help other employees with their problems

I get anxious at work with the thoughts of interacting with other employees

-Avoided interviewing for an internship last year due to anxiety about the interview, it was a great opportunity that I may never get again

-People always tell me they know what I'm feeling. I don't believe that they do. I've described the way I feel to a few of my friends, and I feel that only one of them, actually understands the way I feel, or at least somewhat understands. He has also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

-I can't talk on the phone in front of others; I will always leave to find a private place.

I sometimes even struggle with talking on the phone, and always feel awkward

-I've dropped classes on the first day because of a bad experience.

-I have trouble breathing, and feel anxious when someone at work engages me in simple conversation; I often try to escape the conversation by redirecting my attention to something else.

-I called a company resource for contact with a counselor in the area. They made me feel very uncomfortable on the phone with a lot of questions. They gave me a call back, but I didn’t answer and ended up avoiding speaking with them altogether.

This isn't a perfect list, but it was able to do what I intended, by communicating the magnitude of my problems to my psychiatrist. I think it definitely helped to take a bit of the pressure off of me during the consultation as well.

The Start of Treatment

Tonight I took my first half pill of Celexa. The pill's are 40mg of Citalopram, so I will be taking 20mg each day for the first week, then moving to a full pill. I don't know whether I have experienced any side effects yet. I have had a dry mouth, however that may or may not be attributed to the medication. The other thing I have noticed is that my back and neck ache. It doesn't seem to be too severe, and may or may not be because of the medication. Either way I'm glad I've gotten started on some form of treatment. Hopefully someday soon I'll be able to better deal with my anxiety.

New Beginning

I have decided to give blogging another try, especially given my new circumstances. Today I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I had previously been considering the reality that I have some pretty significant anxiety problems. Here is an excerpt from my original introduction on this blog a few years ago...

"So I guess I didn't really ever introduce myself. My name is Brent. I'm 18 years old. Basically I'm not sure where I'm headed in life, but im trying to get an idea. It's just hard to find direction. I'm interested in cars, music, movies, art, fitness, food, xbox 360, and a lot more. Really I'm usually spending time with my friends doing something that involves cars. I'm glad I've got some good friends right now that I have a good time with. I've always been fairly shy and its something I've been trying to work on lately, but I think I may have social anxiety or something along those lines. I know it sounds like an excuse, but I think It might seriously be a problem of mine. Like I mentioned in my first post I'm in the process of figuring out where to head from here. I've always had problems comitting to one thing which is why this time's so hard for me. Hopefully you'll check back regularly and you can get a better idea of who I am and experience a different outlook on life.

The title of my blog is Uphill Battle. I'm referencing the song Uphill Climb by Josh Martinez. The song's pretty important to me because it really makes me reflect on life, our influence, and the struggles of everday life. They haven't ended yet, and they never will...realize that real life is an uphill battle."

I've changed a lot since that point, and am working on a variety of different projects at this point. I'm primarily looking for an outlet of expression for my entire self. I would also like to catalog my progression through anxiety treatment. This blog will also contain professional as well as personal journeys, dealing with Engineering, Motorcycling, as well as my interest in music, and goal to start a band and one day conquer my anxiety to play guitar live. I hope you'll check back often, I'll do my best out outline the most interesting and awakening aspects of my life.

Brent